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about

Even after starting my transition, the one thing I didn't expect is euphoria.

Hi everyone. I'm a woman (she/they pronouns), and here's the story of how I found myself again.

lyrics

One year of lockdown, three years being not a man
Twenty years before denying everything I can
I look at photographs and can’t say who I was
I’ve driven straight through hell til I could reach the shore
I never want to go back anymore

Closing on a decade stepping out of mental fuzz
Strap on my bathing suit but hesitate because
There’s a whirlpool in the lake I can’t define
But I don’t need to swim, I left my past behind
The folks who dared to swim say that it’s fine

Step into the rapids so my trans ancestors say
It takes a little practice but you’ll be a girl someday
There’s my reflection in the waves, she’s laughing happily
Maybe I’ll dip my toes in just to see
If there’s a better way of being me

Sit on the beach, sunbathe, and read a book or three
There’s nothing wrong with avoiding complexity
I hear the siren song over the words I’ve read
But the worst of my dysphoria is gone with just the sand
Easier to stay stuck on dry land

I’ve suddenly stopped reading, and the whirlpool lies ahead
The waves dance playfully, a story yet unread
It’s beautiful and messy and it feels so far away
Three steps from the whirlpool I’m afraid
The folks who dared to swim say it’s okay

Step into the rapids so my trans ancestors say
It takes a little practice but you’ll be a girl someday
There’s my reflection in the waves, she’s laughing happily
Maybe I’ll walk a bit in just to see
If there’s a better way of being me

A little envy saved for those who came before
They’re magic in the way I want to be them all the more
For friends who cared to guide me I can’t give quite enough thanks
I’ve come this far to stop being a boy
Don’t I want to meet them in their joy?

It feels so easy to just wallow in my angst
But the water’s warm and maybe I could join their ranks
I either want to run or know it’s something that I crave
When did I step into the waves?
The folks who dared to swim say that I’m safe

Step into the rapids so my trans ancestors say
It takes a little practice but you’ll be a girl someday
There’s my reflection in the waves, she’s laughing happily
Maybe I’ll swim a few laps just to see
If there’s a better way of being me

Now I see the whirlpool was always made for me
Big enough to hold all the new femininity
I don’t think I was ever really on the shore
But now I know where I can be
What was I scared of in the sea?

Welcome to the world, quenching years of internal war
Always walking for the whirlpool, now I see its floor
There’s no distinction between land and the unknown
No longer quite so monochrome
The folks who dared to swim say welcome home

Step into the rapids so my trans ancestors say
It takes a little practice but you’ll be a girl someday
There’s my reflection in the waves, she’s laughing happily
And I didn’t know that I wanted to be
Step into the rapids so my trans ancestors say
It takes a little practice but you’ll be a girl someday
There’s my new body in the waves, she’s laughing happily
Dive into the whirlpool cause I see
That she’s a better way of being me

credits

from Hindsight & The Poisoned Root, released December 30, 2022

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The Facades Amherst, Massachusetts

The Facades is the solo project of a queer electronic music composer (she/they) who thinks consistent gender and consistent genre are for scrubs. The characters they portray take a front seat, with a witty lyrical edge to speak truth to power.

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